That Time I Asked Someone To Pay For My Petrol

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Honestly, there's been a few times when I filled up the tank and then went to pay only to discover there wasn't enough money in my account. And I've had to call on friends to help me out...

But there was one time that stood out.

It was humiliating. And humbling.

There were fears. There were tears.

Last year on my way to Rainbow Serpent Festival, I stopped in a rural town to fill up the van I was borrowing. I knew I was low on cash (and going to be paid once I got to RSF), but hadn't realised an automatic payment had gone out from my account that day.

I put in about $40 worth of petrol, and knew I could pay half of it by cash.

I tried paying the rest by card, but was $25 short.

25 bucks. And I couldn't pay it.

I asked the service station worker if I could ring a friend and give them debit card numbers to enter manually, but he said they'd stopped doing that method and it wouldn't be possible.

I rang a friend who shared the same bank as me to ask if they could deposit a bit of money into my account, but no answer.

The clerk suggested I ask others who were buying petrol if they would cover me.

I was on the verge of tears and panic.

But I decided to ask... I stood near the check-out counter and mustered up the courage to ask the next paying person.

"Nah, sorry. It's my last money for the week."

I asked another person;

"No mate."

And another;

"Nah, sorry can't help you."

Some people were dismissive, while others seemed genuinely apologetic.

I asked 10 people.

A young women who looked a bit alternative (my vibe) approached the counter, and I calmly asked if she'd mind paying the extra $25 I needed to complete my payment.

She said, "sorry. I'm broke, it's on a credit card and I'm gonna have to pay it back anyway. can't help ya."

She was kind and apologetic.

I went outside to ask a woman I saw filling her tank. Her teenage son was standing with her.

I politely interrupted her, and explained about the automatic withdrawal from my account and that I was just short by $25.

She looked at me sharply. "Do I know you?", she asked.

"Uh, no.", I replied, trying to stay positive despite her harsh tone.

"So why would I give money to you?!" Her son watched her, I could tell he felt uneasy and unsure of what to do.

"Well, I'm another human. We're the same species and I thought perhaps you'd be kind enough to help me out." I replied, this time a little more sheepishly.

"No! Why would I do that? What are you thinking?" She started to get aggressive in tone.

I apologised for bothering her, and as I walked away, tears brimming to the surface, I noticed the young 'alternative' woman standing near her car.

She had just witnessed the whole thing.

I was already back inside the petrol station, now nearly sobbing, bewildered by why this woman had been so rude to me.

Her words cut deep.

The clerk seemed slightly disturbed and unsure what to do to have me in the shop crying, unable to pay for the rest of my petrol.

And then she was back, the young woman who'd witnessed the interaction between myself and the woman with her son.

She tapped me on the shoulder, and as I turned to face her, tears still running from my eyes, she said,

"Hey, I'll pay it for you."

I could feel her empathy and understanding; another human trying to make it through the week.

I was shocked and thanked her profusely. She was firm and kind in her reply, "It's cool. No worries", letting me know a simple thanks was enough.

The clerk gave me back my license, which he had held ransom until I could pay. He seemed stunned by the whole thing.

I got in the van, sat in the driver seat and just cried.

I was overwhelmed by the humiliation of one woman's harsh words.

I was overwhelmed by the kindness of another woman's generosity and empathy.

I was overwhelmed by my own humanness and need for support.

It all happened within about 20 minutes, and after a few moments of stillness and tears, I got back on the road and to the festival, where I landed in the arms of my dear friends.

These lyrics that came pouring out of me while co-creating an epic album with a group of friends over the course of 14+ hrs in warehouse in December keep coming back to me...

"I'm just a human trying to live"

Today, for no reason in particular, I felt to share this story with you...

And as I've taken the time to articulate it, I want to honour the parts of you that have been humbled and humiliated.

I honour the parts of you that have been so in need, and whether or not you asked for support, I honour your need.

I honour the unkind parts - the parts that get angry and speak harsh words (like the woman with her son).

I honour the generous parts - like the generosity I experienced from the young woman.

I honour the parts of you that don't know what to do - like the clerk.

I honour the parts of you that need to be seen, heard and held - like I did that day.

And the parts of you that hold others - like my friends did for me.

One of my dearest friends and mentor's Atlas Talisman shared with me that day through voice message something so profound...

He was travelling through Europe at that time, living off the generosity and donations of those he encountered along the way. I sent through a few voice messages to him, asking through the tears how he faced these kind of situations and sense of humiliation.

He shared with me a principle of his work (Open World, and Open World Theatre) -- to be able to embody any 'character'. He said that now I had access to the 'character' of 'Beggar', and with that a deeper sense of compassion and empathy.

I love that, because I think so much of our life is spent trying to maintain a particular identity, a particular character.

This kind of attachment to identity creates rigidity in our behaviour as well as our bodies.

The truth is we have the ability to embody every 'character' or identity... if we allow ourselves to be fluid and flexible. If we open to the curiosity of life and welcome the many roles we might encounter.

Sometimes we need situations like asking someone else to pay for our petrol in order to break down the constructs of who we think we are....

And remember that we are fully human.

My work is all about embracing what it is to be human, and I have the experiences to back it.

If any of this resonates with you, I'd love to invite you to share a conversation with me about it, and let's discover how we can co-create a life that is shameless for you too!

This post didn't start as a way for me to 'sell' to you... I really do want to offer the transmission of my life experiences and for whatever reason this story came to mind today.

If you do want to know more about how you can journey intimately with me, hit me up for a free Discovery Session.

Let's be humans together.

Let's be shameless. 

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xo,

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A CHRISTMAS POEM FOR EVERYONE

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For all the tender hearts
Avoiding triggered darts, 
For the ones alone inside yet surrounded by others, 
For those alone wishing to be found by others, 
For the weeping ones 
And the dry-eyed crying ones, 
For the bodies hidden under covers
Those longing for lovers, 
For the ones for whom 'family' is a dirty word, 
And the ones with voices longing to be heard,

Your tears are caught by a thousand tiny hands, 
Strung delicately together by the fingers of angels, 
Your wishing and whispers
Heard by the stars, 
Your longing met by Earth, 
You belong, my love, you belong, 
In the bright night's sky lit by pregnant moon, 
In the arms of your ancestors stretching 'round you, 
In the soft lapping of sea as it kisses the sand, 
In the nests made up in branches, 
You belong in the sky and the land,

For those with smiles full, 
And bellies bouncing with laughter, 
For the ones found amongst family and kin, 
The ones who don't question 'where's home?', 
For the bright and shiny ones, 
Whose eyes glow with delight, 
For those in the arms of lovers, 
Never alone at night, 
For those who are seen and heard, accepted just as you are,
And those who find home wherever you go,

Your joy cascades like waterfalls, 
Healing the earth with each breath, 
Your eyes see God in everything and nothing feels lost,
You, beloved, know your place amongst strangers, 
And rarely do you feel danger, 
This, your gift, to the whole world over, 
The innocence found in your gaze, 
A spirit that dances, free in the wind, 
Brings rest to the hearts of the lonely, 
So spread your joy and neglect not your laughter, 
For the sun does not compare to the moon, 
Shine bright and dim not the star that is you.

For the broken and the held, 
The lost and those that are found, 
For the holy ones and the downtrodden hearts, 
For those who can't find their way, 
There is room enough for all of us, 
The world over is worthy of love,
The birds sing the sun up and the clouds bring the rain, 
But neither diminishes in beauty, 
I see God in all of this 
And I find my place in the Mystery.

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Words by Lindsey M. Stillwell
Image by Bea Shot This


Anger & Being the Rebel

Image by Bea Shot This

This morning I got angry.

In public.

Those passing by would likely not have guessed it though.

I wasn't throwing things, hitting my fist against anything, screaming or even raising my voice.

But I was angry.

This fiery force surging through my body, strong words on my tongue.


The person sitting with me had taken their shirt off, casually enjoying the warmth of the morning sun. He didn't think twice about this.

I expressed my desire, "I want to take my shirt off too".

Then I sat and thought about this for several moments...

We were seated in the grassy knoll at the end of a street, overlooking a busy road below and the Sunday morning tennis players at the courts across the road.

A barrage of thoughts entered my mind in just a few moments:

"what will he think if I take my shirt off? I'm sure he'd be fine with it."

"but what will others think?"

"Will someone complain? Or call the police?"

"Will those going past on their way to the tennis courts grimace at the sight of my bare chest next to his?"

"Fuck it", I thought, and took off my top, my back instantly soaking up the sun's rays and warming my body all over.

We carried on in conversation, but this fiery anger remained in my body.

Finally, I blurted out, "So much anger just rushed through me these past few minutes."

My hillside companion made a joking comment about the current topic of discussion, then I brought it back to what was bothering me, why this anger.

I explained to him the amount of time I'd spent weighing up whether or not to take off my shirt. He confirmed my earlier suspicions of him being fine with me having my shirt off, and offered to wear his shirt in solidarity with me, should we find ourselves in a similar situation again.

My body coursed with intense energy - this clarity and precision, that's become familiar when anger rushes through my body.

"I'm so tired of being told what to do or not do with my body, how to dress or not dress."

These words came out sharp and full of emotion, fuelled by years of built up anger and sadness; a desire to have full agency over my body.

"You're nearly 30, shouldn't you be married and having children?!" - the voice of those from the small country town I grew up in

"Eeeww, you don't shave your armpits?!" - interpretation of random facebook comments from strangers

"Don't show too much skin."
"Wear a bra"
"Wax your genitals. Or better yet, get laser hair removal so you'll be rid of pubic hair forever." "Entice your customers with sex/eroticism."
"Wear this. Don't wear that."
"You look like a boy."
"You cut your nails so short... like a lesbian."

SO. MANY. VOICES.

SO. MUCH. ANGER.


Tears began to stream down my cheeks, as I let the words of anger fall from my lips to the ground.

I just wanted to be heard.
To be allowed to be angry.
To be acknowledged.

I expressed how I didn't want to be 'the rebel' or 'rule breaker' just for sunning my upper body in the park.

"Why is something that's no innately human have to be suppressed in women, but is permissible by men?!" I said with a heavy sigh.

I recounted my upbringing... of having to stand in front of my dad (or a mirror before getting approval from dad) and lift my arms, bend over, and measure the line of shorts.

"Don't expose your stomach."
"Don't let your bra straps show... a man's eyes will wander and imagine your breasts."
"Don't wear short shorts... a man will see your upper legs and imagine your 'private parts'."

So many rules. So much suppression.

And now... so much anger.

I took on the identity of 'the rebel' in my late teen years and into my 20s.

I think we all seek a place of belonging, a character to play out amongst the roles we perceive others are playing.

I seemed to stand out from the rest of my siblings (of whom there are 11).

So, I became the rebel.

The one who got my nose pierced at 19, just before moving to Germany.
The one who dyed streaks of my hair purple before my older sister's wedding.
The one who moved across the world for love.
The one who tattooed my fingers and chest - parts of the body not easily covered up.

But I'm tired of being the rebel.

Tired of breaking the rules just for the sake of being seen and acknowledged. (In the words of my teenage self, “Any attention is better than no attention, even if it's 'bad', right?!”)

I've been learning how to bring the rebel on board though. That instead of ignoring or shutting down that part of myself (which only serves for it to arch up even more), I'm giving that angry, hurt part of me space to be expressed.

Emotionally, I let this fiery surge course through my body.
I speak about what I'm feeling with others, and ask for their listening and acknowledgement, without need for solutions.
I let words and tears be released, recognising that they don't have to 'mean' anything about me.

And I'm getting creative... inviting that 'rebel' part of me to use it's ingenuity in my business. Letting it express through living a life of liberation and joy, not bound by the mainstream 9-5, picket fence life.

I'm okay with being fiery. With feeling fully.

Feeling and expressing anger, doesn't make me an angry person, it just makes me human.
Living life according to what comes naturally to me doesn't make me a rebel, it just makes me human.

I'm here to embrace all that it is to be human… and I’m going to keep living life on my terms.

Hairy armpits, angry words, tired eyes, and all...

How do you show up as HUMAN?


A Letter to Men

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Dear Men,

We need you. 
We need you in your fullness. 
We need your strength, and your brokenness. 
We need your prayerful and your playful. 
We need your tenderness and your wisdom.

I'm sorry for the way you've been demonised. (I know this feeling too, as a queer woman born into a conservative Christian family.)

I'm sorry for the guilt, shame, and pain you carry on consequence of being born male.

I'm sorry for the weight you carry and the mental conflict you face because of the pain other men have caused; The not being able to follow your intuition because of what society might fear/suspect of you. 

I see you, men. 
And I want to see you more.

Let our hearts be humble to hear each others' words, and listen to each others' experiences as valid expressions of being human.

We need you to hear us, and listen... learn the subtleties of how our bodies speak beyond words. Listen for the quiet "no's" and the ecstatic "yes's".

We need you to reclaim your own power, not in dominance over others, but in your birthright to personal power.

Do not diminish yourself for the sake of our cause, but rise with us, all humanity, as one voice for the protection of the vulnerable, the reclaiming of our bodies as sovereign, the revering of all our sexualities and pleasures as sacred and acceptable.

Dear men, 
Do not hide in the shadows, fearful of how you might perpetuate the suffering of others, for this only results in your own suffering, and when you suffer, we all do.

We want to see you shine. We NEED to see you shine. In your beauty, your power, your softness, your sensuality, your delightful bliss, your dark and mysterious.

Too many of you are taking your lives. 
Too many of you are trapped in shame for what you have done to others. 
Too many of you fear what you are capable of doing to others. 
Too many of you are taking positions of power in harmful and unhealthy ways.

Men, 
We need you. 
In your fullness.
In the owning of your power and pleasure. 
In the owning of your short-comings and failures. 
In the tears of regret, remorse, remembering... 
We need your fullness.

It is never my intention to shame or shun you. 
I desire the liberation of all beings, in full permission of their humanity woven with innate divinity. 
We are all broken and beautiful tapestries, and I honour the reflection of mySelf I see in you.

As a woman who has been sexually assaulted and raped both by men and women, I know the #metoo campaign and the social uproar of violence against woman goes beyond gender. This is a human issue, and we must all acknowledge our part in it.

Deep healing is needed. And is possible.

We must return to deep connection to Self first, then extend this to Others, Earth, Source/God, and Ancestors. These are the 5 Key Relationships that lead to a life of holistic wellbeing. And in order to move towards wellbeing, we must first acknowledge our sickness.

We're all in this together. Let us rise in unity, not division.

With a heart full of gratitude for the men in my life that are willing and ready to listen and learn,

 
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Shame, sex, sluts and the shadows...

Duality

We live in a world where we are taught to operate and submit to the polarities that exist, favouring 'light' and 'white' over 'shadow' and 'black'. 

In an age of spiritual awakening and a global energetic shift of consciousness (yea, okay, so I sound a little woo-woo. Stay with me...), I often hear and see a lot about 'love and light', 'stepping into your higher self', etc. And even if you don't swim in the more spiritual pools of society like I do, you'll know that yoga has become a fad, and mindfulness & meditation are more popularised.

While I appreciate that attitudes and behaviours like this are contributing to a LOT of positivity and social change in the world, I sense that if the other side of the coin continues to be neglected, we will continue to perpetuate violence, greed, racism, religious dogma, and 'othering'. 

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Embracing the Shadows

If you receive my juicy e-tribe mail, you'll know that I've been reading an incredible anthology called Yes Means Yes, Female Sexual Empowerment & a World Without Rape by Jessica Valenti & Jaclyn Fiedman. It's full of incredible essays written by people from various gender identities, sexualities, ethnicities and backgrounds. 

I want to share an excerpt from an essay by Toni Amato (who's gender identity I am not certain of, so will refer to with the pronoun 'they/them/their'). In their essay titled Shame is the First Betrayer, Toni writes about the experiences of (what they refer to as) the LGBTIQQA (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Intersex, Queer, Questioning, Allies) community's experiences of social shaming and the under-riding belief that anyone who identifies as LGBTIQQA is 'wrong', 'shameful', 'bad', etc because they are different from the heterosexual 'norm'. They say, 

"...If a little girl is made to understand that it is unsafe and inappropriate for her body to be uncovered, unbound, and uncontained, how can that soon-to-be young woman discover and relish her own sweet sexuality, the inherent pleasures and sensual joys that her body is capable of giving her? And what if that young woman is queer? What if that little girl grows up to be a man? If a small boy is permitted to express his desires and longings, his feelings and dreams, only in rough touch and angry words, how will that young man grow to be able to express the tenderness and compassion at the core of his intimacy?

If that pretty boy has learned that all the sticky, steamy things he would like his lover to do to him are degenerate, disgusting, and worthy of punishment, that he should expect to be assaulted by the boys in the locker room, on the streets, in his platoon, then how will he know when the things his lover does to him are abusive? If that little girl has learned that her queer longings and desires are sinful and slutish, perverted and dirty, and that she should expect to be beaten and raped by the upstanding citizens who are protecting their wives and children, then how will she know when the things her lover does to her are abusive? If that non-gender-conforming child has never even been allowed to name hir own body, and has learned everyone but hirself has the right to name, manipulate, and modify hir body, then how will ze know when touch is invasive?" (p224, Yes Means Yes)

The link between what we've been taught (subtly and not so subtly) as a society and the violence & abuse that happens in society, particularly around sex, sexuality, etc. is SO strong. 

As I've been digging into this more, especially since the recent rape and murder of Eurydice Dixon in Melbourne's Princes Park, I'm seeing the undercurrents of why experiences like this happen. Not that I can answer all the questions... but the dots are starting to connect for me. 

The dots in my business are also connecting, and I'm currently alchemising and brewing something so potent to offer the world very soon. Click the link below and sign up for my e-tribe newsletter to stay up to date with the next delicious offerings I'll be sharing with the world! 

When we can examine the 'darkness' of our own inner beings, we begin to live the veil of shame, secrecy and hiding. When we accept ALL parts of ourselves as worthy of love, acceptable, and permissible, we give ourselves permission to THRIVE and stop projecting the rejection of ourself onto what we see in others. 

In plain words, if you can accept that your dark, dirty desires are actually ok, you'll be less likely to shame yourself, and more likely to make space for all parts of others to exist without the label of 'good' or 'bad'. This cycles back into a bit of 'woo-woo' Oneness, but honestly, if we can stop judging the parts of ourselves that we see as 'bad', 'wrong' or 'shameful', we free ourselves up to more power, love and liberation. And at the same time, free ourselves from the toxicity of judging others. 

 
Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not become slave to anything.
 

Fully Human

As humans we are complex, multi-facetted and full of contradictions. We are often pulled between our desires and our obligations, our pursuit of freedom and our sense of responsibility. 

In living a life as fully human, I welcome every aspect of myself to be acknowledged, heard (at the very least by me), and accepted as part of me. I shun no part of myself, but instead lean in with curiosity when internal judgements or critique arises. 'Why do i think I should do this...?' 'Why am I afraid of what people will think..?'  

When I allow every thought, every desire, every criticism to be permissible as part of being human, I can then ask myself "is this beneficial?" "am I a slave to this?".

For example, smoking cigarettes isn't inherently 'bad' or 'wrong' (it's permissible), but if I was going to smoke a cigarette I'd ask myself "Is it beneficial right now?" or if I'd been smoking for years and was judging myself for the habit, I could let go of the judgement knowing that it's permissible, and then ask myself "am I a slave to this? do I have control of this or is it controlling me?". 

If we go even deeper than this... into the murky, shadows of what we've been taught to believe as 'bad'... we find things like kinks, fetishes, pedophilia, etc. But what if these things were brought to light with a curious acceptance of the multi-facetted complexity of being human? 

I'm certainly not saying that interacting with a person without their consent is healthy, beneficial or condoning.

Please hear me... what if we took a step back and looked a little deeper? 

Things like rape, assault, murder happen for various reasons, but I believe that underneath is an undeniable lack of meaningful connection - firstly to Self, than to Other. If we look at these experiences phenomenologically (meaning without emotional interpretation), we might see that rape is the pursuit of a desire without the consent of the other. That desire is likely not 'wrong' or bad (it's permissible), but the way in which that person has sought to have that desire met is not beneficial (and obviously harmful). 

Perhaps instead of viewing pedophilia as 'wrong', we can see that all people have various types of attraction, and maybe being attracted to younger people / children is a natural attraction. I understand this may be incredibly triggering for some people to accept, as you may have experienced the abuse of an adult when you were a child (as have I). You might feel many objections rising up in you right now... but let's look deeper. The attraction itself may be nothing to be ashamed of (permissible), but it's how that attraction is dealt with and carried out. Obviously it's harmful to interact with people who's intellect, cognitive functions (ability to reason), and mental & emotional characteristics are not mature (children or those with a disability for that matter). 

Can we separate feelings/emotions/desires from actions/behaviours? And see that much of the harm that exists in the world is because we haven't created safety for the full acknowledgement of what we are capable of as humans. We haven't given permission for all feelings/emotions/desires to be valid, and have thus shunned, shamed, demonised them, which has actually resulted in really dysfunctional ways of being. 

I don't view things as 'good' or 'bad', but rather as 'healthy' and 'unhealthy', 'beneficial' or 'destructive'. 

 

Every emotion you feel is valid, as part of being fully human. 

Every thought you have is acceptable, as part of being fully human. 

Every desire you have is permissible, as part of being fully human. 

It's what you choose to do with your emotions, thoughts and desires that matters.

It's how you choose to create your reality that determines the kind of life you will live. 

Everything is permissible. Not everything is beneficial. 

 

bringing my fullness to the light, 

 
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Capitalism is ruining sex... are you buying into it?

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For far too long (and likely as a result of widespread capitalism), sex has become a 'commodity'. 

We've been taught and trained to believe that if 'male person' acts out 'x' behaviours they'll be rewarded with sex (without much regard for the human possessing the body they are getting said 'goods' from).
(I'm speaking in heteronormative terms, because this is one of the primary contexts that contributes to rape culture. As a woman who's been raped by I woman, I know firsthand that this is not the only scenario at play.)

This is a hard truth to swallow... but it's something we all need to examine if we want to live in a world free from sexual assault and violence. 

Sex has become a commodity. 

We know this because the sex industry exists; additionally, sex trafficking is said to be the 3rd highest grossing illegal industry in the world. 

What we often don't realise is how this mindset of commodity has infiltrated our minds and intimate relationships... 

Much of [the ‘abstinence-only’ education] movement can be summarised by the familiar old saying that men will not buy the cow when they can get the milk for free. That also summarises the analysis: women are livestock, valued for what they provide, not as partners. Their produce is milk, which is taken, bottled, and sold. Milk is fungible. When we drink milk, we care about its quality, but not about the identity of the cow. We may appreciate milk, but this does not extend to appreciation of the cow.”
— Thomas Macaulay Millar, Towards a Performance Model of Sex

When we look at it this way... we begin to see how insidious this mindset is, and the implications it has towards contributing to rape culture, and unhealthy intimate relationships. 

Subsequently, this leaves little room for discussion of queer sexual relationships. The commodity model is inherently heteronormative and phallocentric - requiring one person to 'give it up', and the other to 'get some'. ('It'/'some' being sex or sexual encounters; more crudely, pussy.)

This mindset spills over into self-pleasuring, relationships (romantic, sexual or otherwise), and impacts personal psychology and interactions with self as well. 

Consider masturbation and the role of pornography. 

It's often a commodity based experience... do this (to your body), get that (ejaculation, orgasm, sexual release). Pornography is a substitute for the absence of 'the cow' (a real human body to interact with or 'get some' from). 

My 1:1 coaching sessions are set up to empower men to access permission for all parts of themselves (acknowledging everything from the deviant to the divine), opening to greater pleasure in life and creating clarity on your core desires, owning your power in a healthy way, and stepping into a life of purpose.
 

Untangling the unconscious beliefs, social conditioning, and behaviour patterns of relating to self and others is key to the sessions I offer, and each session is intuitively crafted for every person I work with. 

With a passion for social change and personal empowerment, 

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...the sexual interaction should be creative, positive, and respectful, even in the most casual circumstances, and without regard to what each partner seeks from it.
— Thomas Macaulay Millar

Sex, Productivity & Our Ache for Belonging

"The word sex has a Latin root, the verb secare. In Latin, secare means 'to cut off,' 'to sever,' 'to amputate,' 'to disconnect from the whole.' To be sexed, therefore, literally means to be cut off from, to be severed from, to be amputated from the whole. . . . 
We wake up in the world and in every cell of our being we ache, consciously and unconsciously, sensing that we are incomplete . . . aching at every level for a wholeness that, at some dark level, we know we have been separated from." - Ronald Rolheiser

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Sexual expression can be explored for many purposes and offer many experiences: 
for physical pleasure, release, sensations, and exploration
for personal growth and discovery
for emotional bonding and intimacy
for spiritual insight and discovery
for domination and submission
for the potential and purpose of procreation (in the context of fertile male/female dynamics)

At its most intense and most exhilarating heights, the experience of sex combines embodied love and desire, conversation and communication, openness to the other in the intimacy of embodied selves, transcendence into fuller selves, and even encounter with God.
— Margaret Farley

Innate with our yearning for sex, is a sense of longing for deeper connection and belonging, rooted in an a conscious or unconscious knowing of our separation from the whole.

In my upbringing, sex and sexuality was largely repressed; not uncommon in Christian paradigms that view sexuality from an Aristotelian perspective - that human sexuality is designed and intended solely for procreation in a heterosexual marital context.

I grew up very confused by the ideas that we were 'made perfectly by God' AND that my natural sexual desires were wrong and sinful.

The last 8 years have been a pursuit of personal growth and development, untangling the many threads of sexuality, spirituality, and their place of intersection. Diving deep into my trauma, religious and social conditioning, and my sexuality, has brought many revelations, insights, and a continued sense of curiosity.

I've explored erotica, sexual relationships, and periods of celibacy, and found in each of them a path towards spiritual discovery. I've also seen where my ache for being seen, heard and held in belonging have played out in healthy and unhealthy sexual interactions.

I'm continuing to explore the relationship between sexuality, creativity, and divinity, how these three aspects of the self join forces for productivity and creation in life, and I'm beginning to see results to direct implementation of particular practices used to facilitate this possibility.

I love what I am discovering as I reclaim my sexual power, heal the wounds of spiritual and sexual abuse, and implement strategies for productivity and creation in my business and performing arts projects.

with pleasure and productivity, 

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Developing Body Intelligence

This morning I went on a two-hour walk with a new friend, and at one point in the walk I knew I needed to stop. 

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I woken this morning to the start of my period, and was already going mindfully and slowly, but when I came to this spot, my body said stop.


Part of my journey towards creating 'Creative Sexuality' has been to deepen my relationship with my body's wisdom, the intelligence that lives in my bones. 
And when I came to stop here on my walk this morning, I began to understand why.... this particular spot reminds me of the Pacific NorthWest where I grew up. It's the first time in 6 years of living in Australia that this land has brought such a visceral sense of home. 

I sat down and tears gently streamed down my cheeks. 
Another part of my journey in claiming my power and giving myself full permission to be all that I am, has meant accepting that my way of being doesn't resonate with my family. Being one of 12 children means that family relationships and ties are magnified... and it saddens me not to have them all as an active part of my life.


I let the tears come, and said a prayer for each person in my family (now 31 of us including my siblings spouses and children). I felt my womb ache, the shedding of possibility.


'Creative Sexuality' is more than just getting creative and sexy. It's about welcoming all parts of the self to the surface, acknowledging and giving ourselves permission to deeply feel our emotions, it's about cultivating a relationship with the intelligence of our bodies, and about remembering our divinity - that within us that is more than human.


While it's not always glamorous or easy, I'm grateful to be creating my own way through life. A way that allows for two-hour walks through nature in the morning, followed by many hours in bed listening to my body's need for rest, as I bleed. I acknowledge the great privilege that it is to be able to just 'be' today, and look after my needs. I'm grateful for this life I'm creating.

Permission, Pleasure, Power & Purpose

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This morning I woke up and my mind immediately went busy buzzing about.... I ate breakfast and organised some things, but felt a strange restlessness. I decided to have a shower, and found my place of peace.


I realised how much having a warm shower affects my wellbeing... it's my place to connect to me. As someone who is super sensual, it's a place of great pleasure as the steamy water makes contact with my skin. It's a place of washing away the energy of the night, and stepping into the newness of the day. It's my place to do my breathwork and connect deeply to my breath, body and desires. 


'What do I want to create today?'


From this place of pleasure, even the subtlest of kinds, I find my place of power, and return my purpose (for the day, week, month, etc...).

Recognising I am not in lack of anything, and opening to receive all that the world has for me right here in this moment. I surrender... and from this place, continue to take the steps needed to fully my purpose.

Storytelling As Activism... and other sexy things.

I'm telling my story and changing the world... 

I've been sexually assaulted four times in my life, and now I'm using these experiences to create art, facilitate transformational empowerment courses, and offering one-on-one embodiment & transformation sessions! 

Featuring at ' Girls on Key ' at Open Studio, Melbourne. May 2017. photo by Miroslav Petrovic

Featuring at 'Girls on Key' at Open Studio, Melbourne. May 2017. photo by Miroslav Petrovic

I'm taking the stage and stepping up as a performing artist activist... and in March, I'll be heading to Newkind Festival to perform my one-woman show as 'Lady Zee, dragtivist and queen'. 

Incorporating spoken word poetry, embodiment/dance, and voice, Lady Zee brings a light-hearted sense of matter-of-fact-ness to what can often be a heavy topic. Lady Zee is an amplification of an aspect of myself, and as such shines light on empowered sexuality, my transformative journey after being sexually assaulted multiple times, and my training as an Experiential & Creative Arts Therapist, plus over 20 years experience in performance art. 

Radical honesty with self is at the core of personal transformation and growth.
— Lady Zee

As I've become more and more honest with myself about my experiences, desires, dreams and aspirations, I've come to a place of powerful love of self, unapologetic self-expression, and a confidence as true to me as playful child-like spirit! 

I'm owning all parts of mySelf, and finding the potent freedom that comes in being forthcoming with my boundaries and intentions! As I've come to an internal place of liberation, I'm continually growing in my ability to freely 'show up' as ME in my community, networks, and online presence.

I'm 'owning' my sexy as well as my ugly, my tame and calm as well as my fierce wildness.

I'm lovingly inviting the rejected, confused and bitter parts of myself into my own open arms of acceptance and grace. 

...And as I change myself, the world around me changes! 
 

performing at Slamalamadingdong, Melbourne. Aug 2017. photo by Brendan Bonsack

performing at Slamalamadingdong, Melbourne. Aug 2017. photo by Brendan Bonsack