This week found me facing another unexpected experience of grief and loss.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. Air sucked out of my lungs, tears rushing to the surface, heart pounding in my chest. The words I never expected to hear. Especially not now. In a matter of moments, a few key words... and I was suddenly faced with losing my partner. The man I had hoped to spend many years with, building and creating a life, now suddenly out of the picture.
I didn't know how to process it. For a while couldn't accept it as real. How could this be happening?? I never saw it coming.
Grief once again come knocking. And although I had so much resistance, I opened the door of my heart, and let Her in. She came like a storm, strong and thundering. Brash and overwhelming.
I felt like the 7 Stages of Grief (disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope) rushed through my body all within the first hour of Grief's appearance.
- My body spasmed in shock and disbelief as tears poured out my eyes. Everything within me was shaken.
- Denial. I didn't want to believe it was true. I couldn't accept it. This stage seemed to linger and interweave throughout the other stages as well.
- Bargaining came in the form of questioning... the 'whys'? Why was this happening? How could it be? It doesn't make sense...
- Quickly followed by guilt... trying to reason the 'whys'. Feeling like I was at fault, somehow could've prevented this from happening, etc.
- And oh yes, my recent companion Anger, showed up once again. Fists found themselves punching pillows... releasing, releasing, releasing.
- Finally I found myself in a bit of a haze. The blur between depressionand acceptance.
Over the next few days, I went through these stages multiple times. Sometimes the tears and fears would last for 30 minutes to an hour, sometimes just brief moments of disbelief or depression. Ultimately I found my way to acceptance and hope... and here's how:
I took space to grieve.
I physically took space and stayed for a couple nights with a friend. I needed to be out of the house, not surrounded by the things that reminded me of the person I am losing.
I sought the support of trusted friends.
In addition to staying with a friend, I opened my very raw and vulnerable heart to several friends and shared what I was going through. All the feelings - the pain, confusion, anger, hurt, rejection... Allowed myself to be seen my those who deeply care for me.
I nurtured and witnessed myself in the fullness of grief and loss.
In the first two days especially, I made very conscious efforts to nurture myself and know that my love and validation comes from within. I took a long bath, allowing my tears to merge with the water holding me. I allowed the Mother within to rise up and care for me - instead of eating junk food, she (that part of me) made me soup and made me cozy for an afternoon nap.
The following day, I walked down to the river not far from where I live, and sat for a few hours. Allowing my mind to rest (and it was busy, let me tell you! trying to work out all the logistics of this new transition), settling into my sensing, and being comforted by nature.
I feel quite surprised today as I write this. There is a lightness in my heart and a peace so deep, the pain almost feels like a distant memory. I'm so pleased with how I've been able to navigate and even welcome this grief. It feels like because I've been going through SO much grief and loss, and have really allowed myself to dive into it fully each time, that this time the process has been accelerated. Instead of each stage taking several days (and in the case of my miscarriage, several years), I have moved through rather quickly. I know that the days ahead will still be full of transition, and I expect there to be more tears and repercussions from this as I move on and unravel the intertwining of this beautiful man and myself. I feel so grateful to be in a position of welcoming that though.
And I want to offer the opportunity to you to learn to move through grief in such a way, as to get to the point where I am... accelerating through the deepest, darkest trenches and coming out the other side in a matter of days. Hear me out, it surprises even me. I've come to such a place of learning to accept what is and witnessing myself every step of the way.
I want to offer you a safe place to be witnessed and validated in your grief as well. You may have experienced loss quite awhile ago, and still be feeling the affects of it. Or you may have lost someone so recently, and really be in the midst of it all. Either way, I'm here for you. In my 5-week course, you have the opportunity to receive:
- 5 One-to-One Therapeutic Sessions
- 5 Guided Mindfulness Recordings to Support You
- 5 Practical Tools to Help You stay Connected during Grief
- 5 Tips on How to Let Go of Others Expectations
- Invitation to Join a Supportive Facebook Group
- Welcome Packet with Questions to Help You Expand into this Course
- Daily Homework Exercises to Promote Self-Empowerment through the Healing Journey
To apply for your spot in this course, head over to my website here. And get ready to accelerate the healing process in your life.
Going through grief with you,